A “What-if” kinda life…

I’m just a kid, so everyone says… so I should lighten up and relax, live life, chill.

Like bouncing balls, "what if" thoughts bounce out of control.

Like bouncing balls, “what if” thoughts bounce out of control.

I want to, really I do.  But it’s not easy to live inside my own head. It fights against me.  No one seems to get the way my mind works and there’s no turning off the thoughts that race.  My mind does this trick where it thinks thoughts really fast and they are all the worst things that can happen in a situation.  My mom calls it my “What if” life.  I cant stop thinking of all the bad things that COULD happen.  A part of me knows none of it probably will, but my mind worries it might, and then it gets worse and worse.  It happens fast in my head like rolling a ball down a hill.  It goes slow at first, then the farther down the hill you go, the faster the ball goes.  This is when really bad things happen, when the ball spins out of control.  I can not catch it and I panic.

Harder yet, I never have just one ball rolling.  I always have lots of them at one time, and sometimes the balls seem to grow all by themselves and I get really scared and cant breathe.

I sometimes don’t understand myself but writing it down helps.

Anxiety sounds like something you can just stop.  Why don’t you stop worrying about things so much, right?  It doesn’t work like that though.  It’s yucky.  I hate it.  But it’s what I have to live with.  I never asked for it, but God gave me a family who wants to help and understand me.  I am lucky not to have to do this all alone like some kids.

I am just beginning to learn how to deal with this better and I know this isn’t new to everyone, but it is all new to me.  I hope if you’re a kid and you have to deal with this kind of thing, I hope my blog helps you a little bit, and know you aren’t alone…

I wish I could say, yep, that’s all I have to say.  This is just one little thing that makes my life hard.  But I have a lot more.

So I guess, hello world – it’s me… Lins.